Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters

HANSEL & GRETEL : WITCH HUNTERS

Director : Tommy Wirkola

Year : 2013

Genre : Fantasy/Action

Rating : *1/2

 

''Look at all those guns!'' - Mr. Bean



Based on the classic Brothers Grimm story, 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is a misguided, violent and stupidly scripted film that completely lobotomises the power and the emotion of it's original source. Utterly failing to utilise the talents of its stars Gemma Arterton and Jeremy Renner or it's director Tommy Wirkola, (creator of the brilliant Norwegian horror movie 'Dead Snow'), 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is a complete splat of a movie which misses it's target audience with mind numbing bloody violence, little to no character development and gratuitous and misplaced swearing. Added to this this pointless retrofitted 3D and an over convoluted plot, 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is not only one of the worst movies of 2013 so far, but it is also the most boring movie of 2013 so far.

After their encounter with the witch in the candy house as children, Hansel & Gretel have become renowned as the greatest hunters in the world. Using a variety of weapons and methods, they are able to capture witches and destroy them. In a small village, many children have been taken by a coven of witches and it is up to Hansel & Gretel to stop them before they sacrifice the young ones and gain power throughout the land.

We are going through a strange cinematic period right now where classic childhood fairy tales are being revamped for a new generation, without including any of the depth or metaphors that made the original stories so indelible. Films such as 'Jack The Giant Slayer', 'Beastly' and 'Red Riding Hood' have all failed to add anything to the mythology of the Grimm's stories and have only succeeded in destroying any sense of cultural importance they once had. However, while these films may have been bad, none are as wildly misguided as 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' which turns a scary children's story into 90 minutes of mindless and bloody boredom. As a child, I always found Hansel & Gretel to be a fantastic cautionary story but my memories have now been tainted by this mess of a motion picture.

The director, Norwegian born Tommy Wirkola, usually has a good eye for detail, as showcased in his fantastic horror comedy 'Dead Snow'. Having made a few films in his home country, 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is his first foray into English language productions and  unfortunately, this dreck doesn't show any of the visual prowess or even imagination in it's cinematography that Wirkola is famous for. The action scenes are so quickly edited that a lot of the fight scenes are almost unwatchable and the script is so pedestrian that it is one of the worst of the last few years. What could have been a bit of entertaining and campy fun such as Stephen Sommer's 2004 'Van Helsing', is actually a badly made hodge podge of uninteresting set pieces.

Jeremy Renner is usually such an interesting film presence as shown in movies such as '28 Weeks Later', 'The Assassination Of Jesse James By The Coward Robert Ford' and 'The Hurt Locker' and he does make the most of his part in 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters'. But he is lost amongst an indecipherable plot and boring script and is completely helpless; through some parts of the film he actually looks quite embarrassed. British born Gemma Arterton, probably most famous for her role as the fated Strawberry Fields in 'Quantum Of Solace' brings no sense of purpose or drive to her performance in any way and just seems to wander around aimlessly. She excelled in the troubled but good natured 'Song For Marion' (also released this year). But 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is the perfect example of an actor not giving a damn about the film in which she is starring. The supporting cast which is equally boring includes Famke Jenssen, Thomas Mann and Derek Mears.

To attract a larger male audience, Wirkola has decided to add to the mythology of Hansel & Gretel stupid futuristic guns and weapons so overly elaborate and intricate that they would make Bruce Wayne blush. These only add to the overall insanity and immaturity of the film and push the film from mindless, but fun blockbuster entertainment into farcical and nonsensical claptrap. For a film blantantly aimed at prepubescent boys, the film has a surprising amount of graphic violence and language, which gave the movie a 15 from the BBFC. As a result, it's intended audience is too young to see 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters', but it's inane dialogue and boring storyline wouldn't interest the actual audience, so it beggars the question, who is this film aimed at?

Unfortunately in the USA, 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' was a huge hit and as result, a sequel has been commissioned. Maybe I already have a film waiting to go onto my 10 worst of 2014, but who knows? It maybe a masterpiece....or maybe not.

If you want to waste 88 minutes of your life, then I would suggest 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is a great place to start. However, if you want something a bit more entertaining, I'd suggest buying a goldfish bowl; you will receive much more enjoyment, pleasure and tension from that than anything in this waste of $20 million. While 2013 has had it's fair share of amazing films; 'Les Miserables', 'Zero Dark Thirty' 'Wreck It Ralph' etc., it certainly has a large number of turkeys and oh boy, 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is one of them.

You will like this if you liked : Van Helsing & Abraham Lincoln : Vampire Hunter