My Bottom 10 Movies Of 2013

 MY BOTTOM 10 MOVIES OF 2013

 

2013 may have been one of the best years in recent cinema history, but it also gave us some of the worst movies that I have ever had the misfortune of watching. Amongst the ‘Captain Phillips’s, ‘Gravity’s and ‘Despicable Me 2’s of last year, there were also the ‘The Smurfs 2’s, the‘Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters’s and ‘A Good Day To Die Hard’s; movies which made me question whether modern film culture was dead and that a career in film criticism was not the joy I had once hoped it would be. Of course, I would be brought back up again by brilliant works of art, but there were always these little landmines of terror and dread which would put me in a foul mood and make me want to punch a hole in the screen and the faces of those sitting in the cinema with me. To show just how utterly terrible these films were, here is a list of the movies which didn’t make the final countdown:

‘The Evil Dead’ : An awful remake that took away everything that was so entertaining about the original

‘Stolen’ : Nicolas Cage once again proves that he is one of the most unintentionally hilarious actors ever to grace the silver green

‘Hors Satan’ : An arty farty piece of arthouse twadde that had intellectuals scratching their chins and me scratching my eyes out

‘Graham Chapman : A Liar’s Autobiography’ : A very disappointing animated biography of the most insane member of Monty Python.

‘Bait’ : Sharks in a supermarket. Need I say more?

‘Bullet To The Head’ : Sylvester Stallone is at his incoherent worst in this ridiculously stupid crime thriller

‘Identity Thief’ : An offensively unfunny comedy that beggars belief how it was even greenlit

‘The Bling Ring’ : Commercialist bilge from Sofia Coppola

‘Spring Breakers’ : It’s a music video with bare breasts. Nothing else.

‘The Odd Life Of Timothy Green’ : One of the worst family films ever made

‘Jackass Presents : Bad Grandpa’ : Title says it all.

All of these were truly awful, but just not awful enough. These were however…

10) 'HOLLOW'

 

I don’t care that hardly anyone saw it, this horror film deserves to be loathed and reviled. It’s not scary, the characters are offensively stupid and immature and the plot is one of the most preposterous I have ever heard. Showing everything that is wrong with found footage horror, ‘Hollow’ is a masterclass in how not to make a low budget independent shocker.

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/hollow-review.html

9) 'MAN OF STEEL'

 

Now this may be a controversial one, but by far the most disappointing movie of 2013 and maybe of any year for me is Zack Snyder’s overblown explosion-fest ‘Man Of Steel’, which took a character I loved and turned him into a wrecking ball of destruction and death. The acting was good and the special effects were spectacular, but the half way mark I wanted the projector to break down so that my eyes and my head could take a much needed rest.

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/man-of-steel-review.html

8) 'PLAYING FOR KEEPS'

 

Reducing women to simpering, drooling sex freaks and men into dripping, pathetic dorks, ‘Playing For Keeps’ turns every single one of it’s characters into the most basic and boring of paint by numbers stereotypes, complete with their own individual annoying idiosyncrasies.What's not to like?

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/playing-for-keeps-review.html

7)  'THIS IS THE END'

This is nothing more than a smug in joke between a bunch of comedians who get their laughs from not so subtle innuendo and an onslaught of swearing. Every single actor gives a cringeworthily awful performance in this cavalcade of profanity and disgust. 

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/11/this-is-end.html

6) 'INSIDIOUS : CHAPTER 2'

The only film I have ever fallen asleep through, ‘Insidious : Chapter 2’ is the cinematic equivalent of Nytol. Really strong Nytol.

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/insidious-chapter-2.html

5) 'BAGGAGE CLAIM'

Two words : Vomitous mulch

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/baggage-claim.html

4) 'PAIN & GAIN'

Michael Bay unveils his worst movie to date in this offensive and mind blowingly unfunny comedy about a bunch of guys who go around killing people without remorse or guilt. Oh by the way, it’s based on a tragically violent true story. The laughter never starts.

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/pain-gain.html

3) 'GROWN UPS 2'

 

I often flippantly accuse movies of having no plot, but ‘Grown Ups 2’ literally has no narrative WHATSOEVER. Adam Sandler, you are dead to me.

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/08/grown-ups-2.html

2) 'THE HANGOVER PART III'

 

The conclusion one of the most bafflingly popular comedy series of all time. How did this retched abomination earn so much money? It deserves to be thrown into the crater of a volcano along with it's two equally unfunny predecessors.

Read my full review :  http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/09/the-hangover-part-iii.html

  
And the worst movie of 2013 is….

      1) 'MOVIE 43'

 

How? Why? Two questions that sum up the horror that is ‘Movie 43’. Some of the worlds biggest stars including Hugh Jackman, Kate Winslet, Richard Gere, Emma Stone, Anna Faris and Naomi Watts come together to produce the worst movie that I have ever seen. It's imagery is burned into my brain like a scourge and nothing will ever rid me of it. Peter Farrelly, you should be ashamed of yourself and I hope that as you lounge in your pool, drink your expensive champagne and relax in your luxury apartment bought by the profits of this film, you feel morally empty and filled with regret and self hatred. I hate ‘Movie 43’ more than other film that I have ever watched and anyone who likes it just really doesn’t know any better. Slamming your toe in a car door, stabbing a fork into your eye or stapling your scrotum to a pool table; they are more fun and intellectually stimulating than ‘Movie 43’.

Read my full review : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/movie-43-review.html

So that’s it. The absolute worst of 2013. Will 2014 be just as bad, who knows? But with movies like ‘Transformers 4 : Age Of Extinction’, ‘Night At The Museum 3’ and ‘Horrible Bosses 2’ on the horizon, it looks quite probable.