As mentioned in my top 10 movies of 2013 so far list, the past 6 months have provided us with some astonishingly good cinema. But it has also given some of the worst dross released for nearly a decade with remakes, sequels and big blockbusters accounting for most of the blame. To show just how bad cinema has been over the past 6 months, here are a few awful films that didn't even make into my bottom 10 :
Beautiful Creatures
Bullet To The Head
A Liar's Autobiography
Stolen
I'm sure these wrecks could have found a place in my list, but I have to contain my anger and condense my rage into a countdown of 10 of the stinkiest movies I have ever seen. Oh boy.
This completely unneccesary remake of Sam Raimi's 1981 cult classic is a vulgar, grotesque and utterly worthless piece of trash that does nothing but try and disgust it's audience with over the top gore and even more over the top acting. Failing to expand on the original, 'Evil Dead' just recycles all the gags and scares from Raimi's film and turns the gore and volume up to 11. Not remotely scary and about as interesting a bottle of milk, 'Evil Dead' is just another nail in the coffin of the horror movie.
9) HANSEL & GRETEL : WITCH HUNTERS : http://dc-moviereviews.blogspot.co.uk/2013/05/hansel-gretel-witch-hunters-review.html
Directed by the maker of the brilliant Norwegian zombie comedy 'Dead Snow' and starring Jeremy Renner and Gemma Arterton, I was expecting much more than I got from the boring 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters'. A script or characters I could give a damn about for one would have been nice. Containing a ridiculous amount of gore and violence but with the script that seems to be aimed at a 14 year old boy, the movie completely fails to target it's intended audience. Lobotomising a classic fairy tale and turning it into a blood soaked, bullet riddled mess of a film, 'Hansel & Gretel : Witch Hunters' is one of the most wildy misjudged movies I have seen in quite a while.
This stupidly plotted and badly acted B movie could have been an entertaining and fun romp. Sharks in a supermarket, what could be better? Well, banging your hand against the wall, slamming your thumb in the car door, stapling your scrotum....the list goes on. This shoddily made garbage failed to make back it's tiny budget and on the basis of the non success of 'Bait', studios will think twice about pumping millions of dollars into a rubbish B movie clearly made for DVD.
Out of all the 'Twilight' ripoffs we have had this year, by far the worst is 'The Host'. Failing to utilise the talents of it's star Saoirse Ronan or giving us a story we could give a hoot about, the movie is a two hour drawl from one boring scene to the next. With one of the worst screenplays of the year and containing little to no character development, 'The Host' is a waste of it's actors, special effects and bloated budget. I hate to think what the money that went into the production of 'The Host' could have achieved.
Hey, you want rubbish acting, bad special effects and a hefty heap of misogyny? Then 'V/H/S' is the film for you. This horrible found footage movie has aspirations to be the next 'Cannibal Holocaust' or 'I Spit On Your Grave' but fails to be a fraction as interesting or as scary. Surely the found footage subgenre has to be dead and hopefully, 'V/H/S' is the final nail in the coffin.
This boring, pretentious and arty-farty piece of French metaphysical twaddle lasts for nearly 2 and a half hours. That is 150 minutes of my life gone, gone to a boring, noodling and incoherent mess that has no characters, no plot and no point. With ideas way above it's head and it's nose high into the clouds, 'Hors Satan' clearly thinks it is better than everything else. Well it isn't, knee surgery is less painful that this snooze-fest.
Dubbed 'Zack & Chrissy Make A Snorno', this film is an overlong, boring and ear drum bursting-ly loud headache. Despite starting well and exploring new ideas which were intriguing and interesting, director Zack Snyder blows everything out the water with aggressively loud fight scenes and rather shoddy special effects. Never has quarter of a billion dollars looked so cheap.
This pernicious and mean spirited so called comedy turns it's men into chauvinistic pigs and it's women into goo-goo eyed sluts. It is a poorly acted and poorly directed mess that has a mean streak running right through it's centre, like the word 'BLACKPOOL' through a stick of rock. Starring Gerard Butler, Catherine Zeta Jones, Dennis Quaid and Uma Thurman, 'Playing For Keeps' has some of the biggest stars in Hollywood to it's name and I am sure that they were paid a boatload of cash. I wonder how much they would have to pay to get this film removed from their resume in the future?
Yet another found footage horror that desperately wants to be the British 'The Blair Witch Project', but fails on every level. Containing horrible and completely unrelatable characters, little to no scares and a dull and lifeless script, 'Hollow' is a dragging, pointless and unbelievably boring film that really tested my patience.
Still the worst film I have ever had to endure. End of.
Of course, there are many movies that I haven't had a chance to watch that will probably feature in my roundup of the year in December. While I don't make presumptions and try to go into a film with an open mind, sometimes word of mouth and previous experiences with directors and actors really do cloud judgement. Maybe my bottom 10 will have changed by the end of year, but if a film comes out by then that is worse than 'Movie 43', I am quitting my job as a film critic and going to sew my eyes shut.
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